Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go. ~ E. L. Doctorow

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Arana y Cambio

Omen: n. an occurrence or phenomenon believed to portend a future event.

A few years ago I was at Rutgers University taking my two hour English Praxis test. During the test, a spider climbed down it's silk-like thread and tried to land on me. An aside: I am horrifically frightened by spiders. Instead of freaking out and calling for someone to dispose of its hairy eight legs, I took my test booklet and pushed it away from me. Afterwards, I found out that I was one of the VERY few that passed the test. Perhaps, the spider was a good omen.

Well, a week ago (Memorial Day Weekend), I walked into my room, hit the light switch and ran into something. I of course screamed and started to frantically brush off whatever was on my arm. I looked down and there was a spider running for his life. A couple of days later I had my performance evaluation at work and was told that I was not being recommended to return to the school. An unexpected shock. Spider a bad omen?

I was left with my ego and pride all black and blue. Kevin found me at the bar drowning my anger and confusion away and noticed the stress had left my face. I didn't believe him; it had only been a few hours since my meeting. "I can't believe this is happening to me. What am I going to do about money?" That's when it hit me. I am more concerned about the monetary aspect of my job, rather than being an educator. It was time to collect the important things and move on.

These past three years have taught me a tremendous amount about the person I am. The amount of confidence and determination I actually have. The effects of stress on myself and my relationship. My passion does not reside with education. It was a misplaced back up plan. Now, I have the opportunity to start over and do something I have always wanted to do. Move to a new town. Really reinvent myself.

Change is here! I am ready for the stress of going back to school and moving. I only hope that Kevin is willing to make the change with me. It is a lot to ask of him, I know that, but I truly want to share my life with him. I have been itching for change. I do not want to be tied down here in the death-burbs. It's not a life I want. A life full of adventure is waiting for me, and I plan to grab hold and ride it!

So, was the spider a bad omen? In hindsight, no. Thank you, Nature. Thank you for showing me that fear holds you back. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and make it happen. When you get knocked down, you get up and throw an elbow! Although my fear of spiders is still with me, I know that I have come to respect and accept him. Here I go...
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