If I can’t be, all that I could be, would you still love me, she thought as she watched him sleep. Something was always missing, constantly nagging her. She wanted to talk about the insanity drowning her. Her quick, shallow breaths woke him.
“Are you alright?” he asked, turning to face her.
“I can’t sleep.”
“What’s on your mind?”
Biting the tip of her thumb, she shook her head afraid to tell him. Her chest got tighter, knowing something needed to be said, but couldn't find the courage. What if my words chase him away?
“Talk to me.”
Overwhelmed by all the choices she faced everyday. What am I going to do with my life? She left her last job with no intention of ever going back. Eager to move forward, she bit off more than she could handle.
Shaking her head, pushing the sheets away, she got out of the bed. He followed as she walked into the living room and sat on the couch.
“Amy, you have to talk to me. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
She wanted to tell him she felt powerless. Everything was hitting her so fast, and she couldn’t keep up or catch her breath. Succumbing to doubts of success made her want to disappear. She squeezed his hand unsure if he would stay with her if she didn’t amount to anything.
“I can’t do this?”
“Do what? Please talk to me.”
“Dan, I can’t breathe. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Well, you aren’t going to get passed this if you aren’t willing to talk about it.”
Her thoughts chaotically ran around her mind, moving too fast to be spoken. She feared her meltdowns were starting to weigh on him. Any sane man would get fed up with this weakness and leave. I rely on him for so much, but how long will it last?
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose you.”
“Because my life is such a mess and I can’t get my shit together. I’m afraid my depression is going to wear you out and you’ll leave.”
She turned her back to him, afraid to see his face. She dropped his hand, stood up from the couch and moved to the window. He got up and stood behind her as she watched the flag waving in the night wind. Out of frustration, he grabbed her shoulder so he could see her face as he spoke to her.
“Number one, stop running away from me. How can I be there for you, if you won’t let me?”
“I’m so scared. I feel myself falling.”
“Grab onto me.”
“But . . . I feel so heavy in your arms.”
“I can handle it, just hold on.”
She looked at him, tears filling her eyes. I don’t know if I can hold it together anymore.
“When will this get easier?”
The tears finally fell down her face as she crumbled into him. His strong embrace made her feel safe, like nothing could wound her. She wanted to stay there forever.
“I don’t think it gets easier. You just eventually get stronger.”
Looking up through her tears, she kissed him hard. You’ve got the love I need to see me through this.